


May I?

by Amakago



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Asexual Bilbo Baggins, Asexual Character, Confessions, Demisexual Thorin, M/M, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Thorin is a Softie, slight appearance from oin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-29 21:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5142416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amakago/pseuds/Amakago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo had been pacing the front of the medic room for hours. Soon, he would have to confess something to Thorin and he was frightened it would end everything he had with the dwarf. Scolded, or worse, banished for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May I?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first entry on this website, or of any fanfiction in general. So I'll probably post this and escape out of fear. So bye *waves while running away*

Bilbo knew he was being unreasonable with his excessive pacing in front of the medic room that was occupied by a dwarf. A dwarf that quite recently Bilbo had realized he was unimaginably in love with. Seeing Thorin in a pool of his own blood was almost a literal hit to the head. Maybe getting knocked in the head and falling dramatically unconscious put some sense into him.

  
A week ago, after many stitches and a horrifying fever, Oin had finally poked his head out the door and shouted that Thorin would survive, but Bilbo would not be able to see him at the time. So for the past week, Bilbo had been pacing the corridor in a perfect line. Surprisingly, he hadn’t created a new indent into the stone floor.

 

A dilemma was circling in Bilbo’s head and it was simply that he now knew Thorin felt the same way for him. They may not have had any dramatics with “I love you”s or any “Marry me”s, but the way Thorin looked at him with such fondness made Bilbo’s heart stutter with only the thought of it. And after the eagle swooped down and carried Thorin alone, Bilbo had no choice but to run all the way down to Dale. The entire trek down the hill, Bilbo thought of the months before, of Thorin’s initial distrust in him and the growing bond between them. How had Bilbo not notice the signs of Thorin’s deep affection for him before?

 

It was a problem because Bilbo Baggins of the Shire was not meant for such a thing as love. He spent all fifty-two years of his life trying to find someone who wouldn’t shut the door in his face once they learnt his secret. This unfortunately has happened before, if the bruises he received after had anything to say about it.

 

Many hobbit lads were interested in Bilbo, but once the secret was uncovered, they snickered at him and walked away. It took over twenty years of constant heartbreak for Bilbo to finally realize no one would want to be with him. A hobbit not interested in “those” types of relations? How absurd. He had spent the remaining of his time deciding the rest of his life to being a as the “bachelor” of Bag End. It became effortless to scare away potential partners by smiling crookedly and announcing he has no interest in sexual relations. By the time the dwarves had burst into his smial, Bilbo had already horrified dozens of hobbit lasses and lads in the Shire. In fact, he had reveled in those horrified expressions and the way they quickly walked away looking over their shoulder like Bilbo was a beast.  


Only now Bilbo had that decade old fear inside of him and how odd it was that it ended up being a dwarf. A dwarf king, no matter!

 

He knew what would happen, Thorin would confess his adoration, and Bilbo would admit the truth then Thorin would banish him again. _No,_ Bilbo thought, _Thorin was not that cruel. Not at all. He is not like those Hobbits._  
  
Bilbo stopped in his pacing as heard voices coming from inside the room.

 

“BILBO!” Oin’s voice was louder than usual; most likely opted out on his trumpet because Thorin was being fussy did not want to deal with the noise. “GET IN HERE!”  
  
Bilbo’s stomach twisted and the hunger he felt only ten minutes ago was completely diminished. Again, he knew was being unreasonable. He could deal with trolls, spiders, dragons and all those fouls things. Certainly heartbreak couldn’t hurt any worse! Yet Bilbo knew if Thorin broke his heart there would be no going back. Bilbo had never felt this deeply for another creature in his entire life and quite frankly could not imagine the rest of his life not by his side. The thought of Thorin turning him away would not sit well in his stomach.  
  
So, with all the courage he could muster and straightening out his blue coat, he marched into the room. He was greeted by Oin, who raised an eyebrow at him, “Took ye long enough.” Bilbo replied with an eye roll and a huff. Oin looked from into the room and to Bilbo, “I’ll leave ye to it.” And wish one last pat on Bilbo’s shoulder, Oin left the room, silently shutting the door behind him.

 

After what felt like an age and stuffing down the slight nervousness inside his belly, Bilbo finally turned to face the room. Thorin was laid on a cot, with half of his torso bandaged. Bilbo felt a twinge of guilt in his chest at the sight, but upon seeing Thorin smiling genuinely at him; it was soon replaced by fluttering. He slowly made his way to his side noticing a conveniently placed stool. As he sat down he reached for Thorin’s hand and Thorin easily intertwined their fingers, while easily engulfing Bilbo’s smaller hand.

 

Bilbo stared at their joined hands on Thorin stomach for a moment or two before stealing a glance at Thorin. He was watching Bilbo with a small smile.  It broke Bilbo’s heart a little with the knowledge of what he was about to confess.

 

“I’m glad you are here,” Thorin’s said, echoing the same words on Ravenhill, but his voice much clearer than before.

 

Despite the guilt, Bilbo could feel a smile creeping onto his face, “I would be nowhere else.”

 

Thorin eyes grew solemn, “I want to apologize again-“

 

“No!” Bilbo whispered loudly as he stood from the stool. “Thorin, it was not your fault. The fault should be all mine. I withheld the Arkenstone from you! ”

 

Thorin’s fingers twitched at the mention of the stone and Bilbo placed his other hand over their intertwined hands as he sat back down, to re-assure Thorin he had forgiven him.

 

 “You withheld it with good intent. I, on the other hand-“

 

“Thorin, we were both at fault. Since I have already accepted your apology, which I already granted to you the moment I escaped over the ramparts. It is my turn to apologize for my misgivings. I should have told you and I was greatly mistaken by the way I dealt with those issues.”

 

That was enough to silence him. Thorin eyes widened at Bilbo before they softened again, “I accept your apology, Master Baggins.”

 

They stared at each other in silence for a moment before Thorin’s face slowly tinted a light shade of pink, “There is something I must tell you”. Bilbo stomach twisted at those words. Thorin must have noticed, for his eyes suddenly were replaced into worry.

 

Bilbo’s mouth twisted and he breathed in and out to brace himself for what was to come.

 

“Bilbo, what is the matter?” Thorin asked in such a gentle tone that Bilbo was sure his heart would give out.

 

“Thorin, I….” His words caught in his chest and he laid his head softly onto Thorin’s stomach. This was more difficult than Bilbo had perceived. For the first time, Bilbo was more scared of breaking Thorin’s heart than his own.  Bilbo had relished in breaking hearts in his bitter middle-aged Hobbit years. And now Bilbo would gladly smash his heart into a million pieces if it meant Thorin’s could be spared.

 

Warmth radiated from his head as Thorin began stroking his curls. It was comforting and disheartening all at once. The longing he felt in his chest would burst at any moment. The moment Bilbo would confess his secret; Thorin’s touch would disappear forever. Thorin was the first in many decades whose touch he had welcomed.

  
After stroking Bilbo’s hair for a few minutes, Thorin finally whispered, “Are you not aware of how I feel for you?”

 

Bilbo twisted his head on Thorin’s stomach to look into his face. “I know, but I need to hear you say it.” He knew it was petty to beg but he needed the spoken words, “ _Please_.”

 

Thorin’s face flushed even more red than before, but his eyes remained soft, “I am utterly enamored with you, Bilbo Baggins. “

 

Bilbo eyes widened, and he could not help the smile on his face at sound of his full name on Thorin’s lips. There was a simultaneous feeling of relief and fear reaching all the way down to Bilbo’s toes. Bilbo took his head off of Thorin’s stomach and closed squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “I feel the same but-“

 

Once again, he opened to take a peek at Thorin’s face. There was already a hurt in his eyes and Thorin looked to the side as if he were expected to be rejected.

 

“It’s not that, Thorin. No. I adore you more than I’ve adored anyone in my life. But…how I feel for you might differ than how you feel for me…” Bilbo looked away then back to their adjoined hands. Oh how he wished he could hold those hands all throughout his life even through old age.

 

“I wish to always be with you, but I do not long to be…intimate the way lovers are. I can’t. I’m so sorry, Thorin.” Bilbo shook his head and once again laid his head softly on Thorin’s stomach to smother the tears he felt prickling behind his eyes. “I am so sorry.”

 

The warmth returned to his head and he wanted it to stop. It was pity. They all felt pity towards Bilbo once they knew his declination towards sexual relations. Yet the warmth on his head did not turn cold as he expected it to become.

 

“Bilbo, please look at me.” It was wrong. Thorin’s voice held no sign of pity or disgust. Only the same softness and kindness Bilbo loved greatly. Everything was not going according to plan. It was meant to be messy, with Thorin ordering him to leave at once. Instead a little of seed of hope was beginning to bloom in Bilbo’s chest and it was frightening.

 

Bilbo once again twisted his head and noticed Thorin was blurry. Drats. As he went to wipe his tears with the cuff of his coat, Thorin’s hands were already hovering there as if questioning whether it was acceptable. Bilbo nodded his head and Thorin wiped the tears from his checks and eyes with his bandaged hand.

 

Now that Bilbo could clearly see Thorin’s face, he could barely suppress the gasp that escaped his throat.  
How could Thorin still look entirely smitten with him?

 

“Bilbo, there is nothing wrong with you. It not uncommon to feel as you do.” There was that flutter again in Bilbo’s chest.

 

“How-why….I don’t,” Bilbo’s mind was being pulled in two opposite directions. “Thorin, do you not understand? I do not have an interest in engaging in…sexual relations.” He grimaced at the thought of it, “I can’t”.

 

Thorin was openly smiling now and his eyes were crinkling in a way Bilbo absolutely adored.

 

“I know, ghivasel. I would never persuade you or force you to otherwise. I would never think to do such a thing, either.” Thorin’s hands ghosted Bilbo’s check now, “May I?”

 

Bilbo nodded in shock as Thorin stroked his cheekbone. No one has ever asked for permission and at that moment, Bilbo would have cried of mere happiness.

 

“I thought you would turn me away. I thought-“ Bilbo felt tears again and the frustration at his lack of propriety at the moment was echoing in his head. _So unrespectable, crying like a child._

“I thought you would banish me.”

 

Thorin’s eyes widened at the word banish and lowered his hand from Bibo’s face. Bilbo could almost hear Thorin’s thoughts of self-deprecation screaming into his ear and Bilbo would have none of it.

 

“Thorin.” Bilbo chided Thorin as he lifted his head and wiped his tears, “It is not you! It’s-“He looked down, trying to find his words to make Thorin understand it had nothing to do with the past actions he had under the sickness.

 

Bilbo scowled at his past he was about to indulge in, “There were Hobbits before. Ones who I had slight feelings towards.” Thorin eyes slowly squinted at Bilbo, as if the words were about to offend him.

  
“There was always a quick alteration in their actions towards me. Before I told them my aversion towards anything beyond that of kissing, they would treat me with respect. After, they would look towards me with revulsion.” Bilbo looked back to their adjoined hands and scoffed, “Maybe it’s the answer to why I’m considered queer in the Shire. Quite an oddity. A hobbit disinterested in the deep intimacy of love and has remained unmarried for his entire life.” Not including the fact Bilbo has only an interest in lads, and even that is looked down upon in the Shire.  
  
Thorin then moved their adjoined hands to his chest, causing Bilbo to look up into his face. It was strange to continue to see Thorin’s face full of fondness even after professing the truth. It had all felt as if Bilbo had walked into one of his fantasies.

 

“They were all inaccurate in all their assumptions of you, little bunny.” The use of the nickname given to him by Beorn caused Bilbo to splutter and in turn Thorin to openly laugh at his accomplishment in making Bilbo react.

 

“You dratted dwarf” Bilbo huffed but there was to heat to it and face split into a smile.

  “Bilbo, you must know, I have no need for sexual relations. I may not have identical views as you, but I would sacrifice anything if it meant for you to be comfortable. For to me, it is nothing. I have lived almost 200 years without it, and I surely could live the rest of my years just being by your side.” The words were spoken so gentle that the fluttering in Bilbo’s chest began again. Bilbo was 52, not some young Hobbit whose young love had just confessed their affections over a bundle of flowers. Yet Bilbo welcomed the fluttering, if it was to be caused by this dwarf.

 

Only Bilbo had to be sure, “Are you sure you could live without it? I would never want to be responsible for you…not…hmmm…being able to express yourself?” The unfamiliar words burned on his tongue and he feared it would be enough to crush the seed in his chest.

 

As if in reply, Thorin thumb circled Bilbo’s knuckles soothingly, “There are many other ways for me to display how much you mean to me, my Hobbit.”

 

Bilbo once again leaned his head onto Thorin’s stomach continuing to look at him. Another thought crossed Bilbo’s mind and he smiled slyly towards Thorin’s red-tinted face, “Thorin…you’ve never been in love before me?” Bilbo had to ask if only to satiate his curiosity and it was a perfect opportunity to tease Thorin if only to see how red his face could become.  
  
The smile on Thorin’s face still remained, if not widened and, yes, his face reddened even more, “I have not, Master Baggins. You are the first and the only. I am more than pleased it is you. For you have given me hope beyond reason.”

 

Bilbo swore the fluttering in his chest would suffocate him. There was never in his life where he had felt more happy and more at home beside this lump of a dwarf.

 

“May I-“ Thorin cleared his throat through his remaining smile. “May I have the honor of a kiss?”  
Thorin seemed weary, knowing that a kiss may very well be beyond the boundaries of what Bilbo found bearable.

 

“I’d be honored, Thorin”, it came out breathy as if he came into a dream. Bilbo then let go of their adjoined hands, sat up and shifted further up so he was closer to Thorin’s face.

Bilbo cupped Thorin’s cheeks and slowly leaned down. Their lips touched for a moment or two. It was a sweet kiss without the need for tongue. There was no need for mussed hair or rumpled clothes. It was enough for Bilbo and it appeared to be enough for Thorin whose smile reached all the way to his eyes. Bilbo decided then to kiss Thorin every day if it meant for him to smile in such a pleasing way.

  
The little space in the cot suddenly looked pleasing to lie on, “Move over, if you may” Bilbo slightly laughed as he waved his hands in a moving motion. “Come on, there’s not enough room for me.”

 

Thorin raised an eyebrow and slowly moved to the left, “Ordering me around, already, Master Baggins?”

 

Bilbo flushed at what he was about to say, but blast it, he was already deeply in love as it was; there was no denying it any further. “If I’m to be your consort, I have to begin practicing now!”

At the mention of the word consort, Thorin’s eyes widened and stopped in his moving, “You would be my consort?”

 

Bilbo waved his hands again, “Not yet enough space, unless you want me to roll over unto my bum”. Thorin huffed out a chuckle and returned to his shuffling. Once there was enough room, Bilbo laid down with his head on Thorin’s chest right upon his heart. He could hear it rapidly beating into his ear. Thorin was alive. Thorin still loved him despite Bilbo’s oddness. Bilbo never felt happier than he did at that moment and he knew and trusted Thorin felt the same.

  
He moved his hand onto Thorin’s chest and traced over the edges of the bandages if only to re-assure him this was all real.

 

“Yes, Thorin. I gladly would be.”

**Author's Note:**

> I took a lot of inspiration from own fears from being an asexual myself.
> 
> I drew something for this if you'd like to see:  
> <http://shield-my-acorn.tumblr.com/image/132741449824>
> 
> If there's mistakes, please tell. I'm very new to this fanfiction business!
> 
>  
> 
> [My tumblr](http://shield-my-acorn.tumblr.com/)


End file.
